8.25.2004

'cos i'm a million miles away, when you get this letter

dear humans
i no longer want anything to do with you
with your human nature
with your "meaningful" lives
with your society
and rules

i now resolve to be post-human
beyond conventional reason

my life will not be one of insignifigance
of a mere mortal
of a petty human

i choose to live
my choice is to explore everything
at any cost

if it looks like i'm being lazy
or selfish
or pathetic
just remember these things:

when you were busy with elemtary school
learning your a's, b's and z's
i was busy learning about the world
seeing the parthanon in greece
or being in yugoslavia during the civil war

i was busy formulating the world in my mind
while you were busy looking out for cooties
and playing kickball
simple as that

so when you think you can relate
let me know
i'm dying for someone to understand

7 years
92 days
and counting

you don't know how much i'm giving up for this life
you just don't know

8.21.2004

i made it 10 miles high

indeed i did

an 8ball can answer your questions

an 8ball

not one that you shake
one that you crush

an 8ball

blow your nose and
watch the blood flow
put a gun to your head and
paint the canvas with your brains
get back on your knees and
beg for forgiveness

what did you get out of it all?

an 8ball

sunshine in a bag

3 days of happiness and hell
and a free nose job

fucking addict

8.18.2004

please don't wake me till the morning after

ayo for yayo, that's about all i have to say.

goodnight

at 9 AfuckingM

8.17.2004

there's a feeling i get when i look to the west

"a monument built to the west
because the west is the best."

only i know what this means
but i might let you know.......

i don't need you and i don't need a break

fucking people

8.16.2004

say i killed all my friends and i deserve to be dead

how many of you do i really need?
i don't know.
how many of you actually talk to me?
i don't know.

the less shit i have to deal with the better.
the less of you i have to let me down the better.
the more energy i have to spend on my true friends the better.

it might almost be time to put the past totally behind me.
it might actually be time for me to act like i'm supposed to.
it might even be time for me to start treating you like you treat me.

i don't know where we grew so far apart.
or what even happened.
i guess i got tired of being what you wanted me to be
and i knew you wouldn't accept what i'm going to be.

maybe i'm just running out of knives to leave in peoples backs.
i think that's it.
or perhaps i don't want to fake it anymore.
i tried my hardest to be accepted by you
but i realize now
that i don't want anything to do with you.

i don't need your fucking criticism
and i don't want to criticize you.

*delete*

8.15.2004

the impossible is possible tonite

past leaders were taught in the ways of fine arts.
present leaders are C+ frat boys
with stupid accents.

but nevermind that.

i'm talking about
lust
excess
no limits
indulgence
chemically induced
emotionally reduced
in a snafu
you're not like me
i'm not like you.

but nevermind that.

charley is no longer a hurricane.
i wish it was a typhoon.
mother nature WILL have her revenge
humans will build the bomb that does it.
in 10,000 acres about 80 homes were destroyed
how many animals made those 10,000 acres their home?

but nevermind that.

you humans are so fucking pathetic.
how much are you really accomplishing?
like i'm one to talk.
but i don't want a standard life.
i just want to make some sense out of it all and move on.

but nevermind that

did you know?
that
no matter what you do
no matter how good you are
no matter how hard you pray
no matter how hard you try
you're going to die
but you're actually not dying
you're living still
just dead
that's all.

but nevermind that.
this is what you should mind.

35 years ago
a spirit of a revolution
was well and alive in the hearts of millions.
now where is it?
answer me hippie!

i guess that's what happens when....
?

every night i look at the stars
wondering, wandering
imagining
a more perfect world.
and i keep that world in my head
because i'm safe there.

i won't let you in
'cos you won't let me out.

but nevermind that.

8.13.2004

'cos i'm an E-F-F-E-C-T, a smooth operator opertating correctly

and this is why i do this.
because i love the pain so much.
because i like the numbness.
because i love how much nothing i feel right now.

An Amerikan Prayer has begun.
in about 10 minutes i'm going to write a description in my journal.
and that'll be the end of that.

i just now realized how fucking much i hate you.
it just ridiculous some times.
everytime i was there for you.
and all the times you weren't there for me.
like now.
why do i do this to myself.
let myself feel so strongly over something so insignificant.
i guess i do it for the heartbreak when i'm not there for you.
'cos i like hurting you.
ho.

who wants to move to portland with me?
that's how we roll.

8.09.2004

begining of september
moving to pdx
september 26th
starting at wci

i'm 2 months behind on my car payments
and that's funny
'cos i already have a credit card
ha ha

8.06.2004

get fucked up, stay fucked up

so
remind me once again
what the point of doing this to yourself
is.

i do it because
it makes me feel alive.
i do it because
it makes me feel nothing.
i do it because
it makes me want more.
i do it because
it makes me hit the floor.

i'm only writing good because i drank wine.
whine.
in holland i didn't write shit in my private journal
and that's because i remember it all
like a dream.
i was there
but i really wasn't.

last night in a dream i did mxm.
a magical dream drug.
tonight i hope to do it again
because last night was just a dream.

so
i hate this more than anything
being alone
when i want company.
some people though.

either you're
too young
too slutty
too taken
or too too.

choo choo motherfuckers.
i think i can, i think i can
i can't.
choo choo.

so remember this;
i do this only for you.
because it amuses you.
it gives you something to do.
it gives you something to think about.

so think about this
moths fly towards light
because they think it's the moon.
and what happens when they reach the moon?
they get killed.
let me know the next time you see a moth in the wild.
ain't gunna happen.
know why?
because they know the truth.
the moon is just a dream.
and you're never going to reach it.
know why?
because when you think you do
you're just going to die.

how ironic is that?
you're life is defined
by that smear in your palm.
that stain on your dress.
a life that's become a mess.

apparently basil is healthy.

smoke is healthier.

tyler durden says "use soap".

sir yes sir.

so
is
this
it?

yep.

8.05.2004

I thought it through and my worst brings out the best in you

in the struggle to make males and fems equal
a young mind has been corrupted
dirty j
just because a girl hits you doesn't mean you hit back with force
dumbass.

and cammie said it best
why didn't anyone tell that to dj right then?
cammie said it best
".... ....... .. .... .... ...... ...."
edited for mental note

next time i'll do better
next time i'll be a man

cammie said it best

btw: it's 4:20am