the world owes me so fuck you.

i have still to get online for a long enough time to work on my website. i'm not even going to attempt it on this damn computer. maybe if i goto mitchs i'll work on it. i have some good plans for it. nothing can top the stoneyness of my old one though, i would update that thing so often. and had pics of my room and bathroom, hott shit.

i haven't wrote anything in my private journal since i've been back and i don't know why. i guess i don't feel like it? maybe 'cos i want to write more important stuff in it than just the mindless ramblings i put in it. i'm pist i let ashleigh read some of it, fuckin'-a.

my stomach fuckin' hurts.

i've got some nasty cold thing going on too.



throw your shape doppelgänger

final EU post. hot bath. remember. pleasure.

Horoscope today:
Some close friends could turn you on to a new interest or perhaps to a group you might want to join. Intellectual stimulation through those closest to you could open up the way to new plans and new innovations. You might want to try combining artistic interests with modern technology, perhaps expanding your knowledge with regard to photography, computer graphics, filmmaking, etc. Success and good fortune through such activities are strongly indicated.

Dead as dead can be
The doctor tells me
But I just can't believe him
Prefer the optimistic one
I'm sure of
Your ability to become
My perfect enemy

Wake up to face me
Rise up and show me
Someday I'll say you're vacant
And maybe you're better off this way

Leaning over you dear
Cold and catatonic
I catch a brief reflection
Of what you could and might have been
It's your right and your ability
My perfect enemy

Wake up
Why can't you face me
Rise up and show me
Someday I'll say you're vacant

And maybe you're better off this way
Maybe you're better off this way
You look better off this way
You're better off this way
You're better off this
You're better off this
Maybe you're better off

Wake up
Why can't you face me
Come on and
Rise up
Why can't you show me
Some day
I'll say
You're vacant and
Maybe you're better off this way

Go ahead and play dead
I know that you can hear this
Go ahead and play dead
I know that you can hear me
Why can't you turn and face me
Why can't you turn and face me
Why can't you turn and face me

You fucking disappoint me


even though it's not my place to save you.

response: i'm not to be some leader or some this like that. too much responsibility. i'm just out to change peoples minds one person at a time. change their views on the world they live in. change their thoughts on what's been given to us allready in the form of religion, politics, philosphy and psychology. that's how things get changed.

fuck that waco shit, like hell i'm going to get a plot of land, build a fucking warehouse on it, stock up on M-16s and AKs, and invite people over. people leave messes.
life is a waterfall.

oh, someone posted something about 11-11-11, sry i didn't see that. after some thought i figured out who tw was. please post first names only 'cos it's easier like that.


look at the 1. what does it look like? where it it pointed to?

i'll be 27 on 11-11-11. gotta go out like a rockstar. 27 is a good age. it's right at the cusp of being young and being old.

33 is a very important # in fee masonry. it's the highest order atainable.
Christ-like, healer, compassionate, blessing, teacher of teachers, martyr, inspiration, honest, monk.
Tarot: Star
Astrology: Aquarius
Rune: Laguz
I Ching: #22 Pi
Kabbala: Tzaddi
Shamanism: Pelican
Alchemy: Air and Water, Jade and Emerald
Aura: Pure White Light

3: This number always has to do with commitment and as such it should be placed in the I Need column. It stands for mind, body and spirit and is a request to commit yourself, mind body and spirit, to improving yourself in the direction indicated in the dream. The number 3 will often appear in dreams about the heart as people who have closed off their heart to others often lack commitment. A triangle or pyramid also indicate commitment and request the dreamer to meditate on the subject matter of the dream.

other stuff

6 is my number in numerology. and the number of satan....
Harmony, beauty, nurturing, love, marriage, family, responsibility, understanding, sympathy.
Tarot: Lovers
Astrology: Venus and Gemini
Rune: Wunjo
I Ching: Sung
Kabbala: Zain
Shamanism: Duck, Snake, and Lion
Alchemy: Air
Aura: Rainbow

6: Another female number, 6 indicates Dharma, Christ Consciousness, Grace, love, forgiveness, compassion. It indicates a request to go beyond the five senses and Karma and develop compassion etc. within yourself.

more other stuff

6s and 3s. whoo hoo. cool stuff. it's all pretty complex and can be interepted any way you want. i know what it means to me.

plus 11-11-11 will look cool on an urn.
live like a teenage christ.

i talked with my parents today. totally fogot to ask them about the sprint bill that i didn't want them to pay 'cos i'm going to get my fone turned on again. 150$ to cancel a plan is bullshit. 125$ to start it back up is even more bullshit. they should be glad i chose them for a provider, shiiiit. sprint is allright though i think, they could stand to have better coverage. if derek keeps his plan i'm going to ask him to add a line to it and i'll just split the costs with him.

back to my parents: they sent some money for me for a car. i might miss getting high for a while though. depending on how the whole financial situation is and all that. they still continue to give me shit about the past. i'm sick of fighting with them so i just don't bother speaking up. getting high isn't that big of thing for me anymore really. yea it's fun and yes i enjoy it. but i've never accomplished anything on it, so a break would be nice.

FYI: daylight savings ends today. so set those clocks an hour back people, lord knows that adding an hour in the spring and taking it back in the fall makes sense....... not.

i joined this BBS at http://www.blurofserenity.com/ it's allright. some people are starting to piss me off in it so i dunno if i'm going to use it anymore. immature little fucks, and what's worse is i'm probably the youngest one on there maybe... i hate when people act immature. wait, someone is 16, whew.

i can't wait to get back to NY!!! i can't wait to see how things will be. i can't wait to see what yasuko sent me... i can't wait to have a fucking car again. i can't wait to work and goto school. i can't wait to write and do art.

i'm not looking forward to lugging all my shit on the train to frankfurt though. i packed everything i own with me with the hopes of moving here and shit. that didn't quite work out due to circumstances out of my controll. maybe next year i'll come back here for school or something.

leasing a car is going to be bitch though. i don't want to buy a car though really... i'd buy one only if insurance wasn't covered in the lease. wrx sti, holla.


through being cool.

as you can see i've added a comment feature so please feel free to put whatever you want in it.

i took a little nap 'cos i wasn't feeling good at all. had a pretty fun dream. dreams are pretty cool really. i wanna get back into lucid dreaming. that's a method you're aware you're in a dream and you controll what goes on.

i'm thinking i might chronicle my other journals and print them out or something. or just save them as a file on disc. dunno though. maybe people might want to know about me when i'm not around...

if you want me to explain the whole 11-11-11 thing just say so. it's a lot more than just a date.

anyone wanna go out with me?
there's still traces of me in your veins.

we all carry basically the same genetic code except for some slight differences. we are all one. everyone yu see is a little bit of you.

so yeah. i'm going to change to world, i've decided that's what i'm on this earth to do. i'm going to change all the popular (mis)conceptions of philosophy, religion, politics. i want to see the world evolve. we've been stuck in the same ways for years. i'm fucking sick of it. look what the world has come to. do you want to see it continue to be fucked up? or do you want to have a world where everything makes sense? do you want a world that you'd be proud to live in?

isn't it about time someone shook things up in your life?


never too late.

so i went out with my cousin Ingrid tonite to some bars and clubs. had a hell of a time.at this one bar some guy was trying to lay the mack down on her. she's married with 3 kids. i was thinking i had to do something about it, but the dude loked ripped so i wasn't about to get my ass kicked by some drunk buffon in the middle of town. we went to this club and that place was packed. hot girls all over the damn place. ingrid handled it and we just left.

god i love women. they're so cool. i still don't understand purses though. they make pants and skirts with pockets ya know.

i'm deaf, somewhat slighty drunk i think, and tired.

chris kleine for president!! who's with me?!

good night los angeles!!!!!!!!!!
use your fist and not your mouth.

Jesus would slap the shit out of you.
Religion is a crutch for people that can't think for themselves.
Stop using Jesus as an excuse for being a narrow-minded, bigoted asshole.
I think you're confusing and open mind with a vacant mind.
Christians aren't perfect, they just want you to be.
At first they burn books, eventually they burn people.
God is just pretend.
Don't pray in our school, I won't think in your church.
Against abortion? DON'T HAVE ONE!
All religions are fairy tales.
Any book worth banning is a book worth reading.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Anyone who claims God is on their side is dangerous as hell.
Believe those that seek truth, doubt those who find it.
Blasphemy is a victimless crime.
Blessed are those that can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
Born OK the first time.
Doing my part to piss off the religous right.
Don't act stupid, we have world leaders for that.
Don't believe everything you think.
Don't believe everything you're told.
Don't preach that right-wing crap to me.
Everything I need to know about life I've read by reading banned books.
Fun is my spiritual path.
God wants spiritual fruits, not religous nuts.
God, protect me from your followers.
God was my co-pilot but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him.
Guilt, fear and mass insanity - 3 cheers for Christianity!
I wasn't created in your image of God.
I've got nothing against God, it's his fanclub I can't stand.
I think therefore I'm dangerous.
If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
If you can read this, thank your teacher.
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
It's your hell, you burn in it.
Jesus is comming, look busy.
Minds are like parachutes, they only function when open.
My God can beat up your God.
My karma ran over my dogma.
My mind is not for sale or rent to any God or government.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Random shit always happens to me.
Thank you for deciding what's good for me.
Thinking outside the box.
To err is human, to really screw things up you need religion.
The Virgin Mary was an unwed teenage mother.
Well behaved women rarely make history.
Who says I want to fit in?
Yeah yeah, Jesus died for my sins, tell him I said thanks.
Without deviation from the norm progress is not possible.
A man with quality is not threatened by a woman seeking equality.
Adam was a rough draft.
A PBS mind in a FOX News world.
Allah, protect me from your followers.
Atheism cures religous terrorism.
Atheism is myth-understood.
Atheist are beyond belief.
My job is to comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.
Christian family values Luke 14:26 "If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.".
Controll you destiny or someone else will.
Come the rapture we'll have the earth to ourselves.
DARE to legalize drugs.
The destruction of faith is the beginning of evolution.
Dog is my co-pilot.
Equal rights ARE NOT special rights.
Eve was framed.
Everyone makes a difference.
Faith is believeing what you know ain't so.
Fight prime time, read a book!
Freedom depends on freethinkers.
Focus on your own damn family.
Freedom from religion.
Fundamentalism means never having to open your mind.
Feudalism-the original Christian Coalition.
God created Adam, saw the mistake and created Eve.
God is too big to fit inside one religion.
Has anyone seen my constitutional rights?
Have you forgotten about Jesus? Isn't it about time you did?
Having abandoned my search for truth I am now looking for a good fantasy.
He died in AD 33, GET OVER IT!
He who laughs, lasts.
He's your God, they're your rules, YOU burn in hell.
I believe in life before death.
I found Jesus! He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana.
I give evolution two opposable thumbs up.
I love my country but fear my government.
I speak to God and know what's best for you.
I'm straight but not narrow.
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
Imagine: no heaven, no hell.
Jesus loves me but can't stand you.
Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Keep the books-burn the censors.
Last time we mixed politics with religion people got burned at the stake.
Militant agnostic, I don't know and you don't know either.
My imaginary friend can beat up your imaginary friend.
No Gods, no masters.
Nothing fails like prayer.
One nation under democracy GODDAMMIT!
One nation, under surveillance.
One nation, undereducated.
Pro-Choice and PROUD OF IT!
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
Religion is bunk.
Religion stops a thinking mind.
Religion is myth-information.
Religions are cults, just with more members.
Repeal the Patriot Act.
Self-righteousness, the unforgivable sin.
So many Christians, so few lions.
We are not human being having a spritual experience, we are spiritual being having a human experience.
The best things in life aren't things.
The bible- a grim fairy tale.
The only problem with baptists is they don't hold them under long enough.
There is no freedom of religion without the freedom from religion.
There is no greater sin than ingnorance.
To hell with the baptists, I'm going to Disneyworld.
Unitarian Universalism, diversity without division.
What school needs is a moment of science.
When religion ruled the world they called it the dark ages.
Who are you to question why your God doesn't want me to believe in him?
Why be normal?
You're Pro-Life? That's fine, now get one and stay out of mine.
Casinos still give better odds than churches.
"Don't make me come down there"-God
I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time.
In a world full of caterpillars it takes balls to be a butterfly.
If I ever need religion I'll worship chocolate cake.
"There is no God higher than truth"-Gandhi.

all quotes were borrowed from EvolveFish

originals (but inspired) by yours truelly:
Sorry I missed church, I've been busy worshipping Satan.
Thank God I'm a Satanist.
What Would Satan Do?

when satan is involved you know i'm all about it >:-)
those were the days.

ok for the fuck of it i'm going to post what's been going on in my life the past year or so.

sept 22nd 2k2: got arrested for theft 1, identity theft and delivery of a controlled substance. spent a week in juvy.

oct 1st 2k2: my 18th bday. entered Serenity Lane rehab for 3 weeks of intensive inpatient. it was fun really, had a lot of good times. had a lot of good food. met some cool people. learned a lot of stuff.

oct 23rd 2k2: moved to Pleasant Hill, a little town outside of Eugene, into the house of this girl i met in rehab and her mom. kinda dumpy. the girl was a brat pretty much.

nov 20ish 2k2: moved back to Bend. did shrooms the first night back. that was a mistake. it was the chelseas first time doing it and i probably fucked it up bad for them 'cos i was being a bastard the whole time to mason. "numb with a twist of lime". if joyce is reading this she'll know what that's all about.

nov 28th 2k2: i think that's the day after thanksgiving... anyways, went up to portland to hang out with another girl i met in rehab and did cocaine for the first time (i don't wanna name names when it comes to drug use). thus the spiral began.

dec 3rd 2k2: my parents left for cabo and my cocaine habit was getting more and more worse.

dec 24th 2k2: woke up that day after a nite of partying in portland and had a crazy bad bloody nose. met up with my parents that might when they returned from Cabo San Lucas.

dec 25th 2k2: xmas. fucking shittiest xmas ever. and just because my parents supported my rehab and recovery my mom got me a bottle of tequila (and they wondered why i got kicked out of rehab).

jan 1st 2k3: got ditched by some people that were going to a party. cool. so i did some lines off the satanic bible (one in the form of an upside down cross which i have a picture of). yes i'm going to hell but i don't care, there is no hell. watched "it's a wonderful life" over and over and cried like a little bitch. drank that whole bottle of tequila to try and drown the sorrow. didn't work.

jan 5th or 6thish: started going to COCC. took acting and philosophy. the latter class 'cos i wanted to hang out with the chelseas. acting was fun, came to class all kinds of coked out. philosphy was afterwords, when i had crashed from it. blah mood definetly. my parents left for cabo for the rest of the winter and was the last time i saw them till my next bday.

jan 21st 2k3: got kicked the fuck out of rehab 'cos i told them i was drinking during all of it. didn't tell them about the cocaine useage 'cos i was on probation at the time. they told me to goto a super intensive rehab that would cost 20,000$. i said fuck that and planned out my escape. also that was the first day of smoking pot in like 5 months so i was ridiculously high and curb checked every right turn i made, onetime in front of some cops that were at an accident scene, smoothness.

feb 14th 15th and 16th 2k3: did meth for the first time for 3 days in a row just to see what it was like 'cos i plannedon using it to stay awake during my xcountry escape back to NY. meth sucks. the person that hooked me up w/ it failed to mention that i should drink lots of whatever while i was on it. woke up monday with THE WORST feeling ever. a bad hangover would've felt like heaven.

feb 17th 2k3: missed the final installment of my dental procedures do to total lethargy. during january and february i was getting all my fillings re-filled.

feb 20th 2k3: left for NY!! took meth with me but didn't use any. i packed up all my belongings into my range rover and headed out east. said goodbye to troy for the last time (i had tears like whoa, that dog has been a brother to me, he lives with another family now that has a cocker spaniel as well, our other dogs are big and young so troy gets left out a lot). stacker was with me 'cos he's my dog and always will be.

feb 21st 2k3: en route to NY via I-80 there was some signs on the side of the road that said "drugs search ahead, drug dogs in use" so i decided to turn off onto the overpass to check what was going on up ahead. as soon as i did a Nebraska State Patrol car was right behind me and pulled me over. apparently i signaled too late or something. they searched my car and me and found a baggy containing 0.06 grams of methamphetemine. i was arrested on the spot and faced felony charges punishable up to 5 years in prison. cool huh?

feb 21st - june 25th 2k3: spent 4 months in Hamilton County Jail in Aurora, NE. yea it sucked big time. smoked pot twice in there though, that was pretty cool. jacked off in socks, i am the sock pimp, word. didn't take a shower for the longest time 'cos there is absolutely no fucking privacy in there. the food sucked. i watched so much fucking tv in there. all day every day, nothing but tv. we didn't have a clock so we told time by what show was on. the bitch sherrif wouldn't let me get things out of my car so he had to go in there and get my satanic bible. ahahahha, he's a hardcore christian and was PIST he had to go into the freezing weather out to my car, dig through my shit and find it. my dog stacker was with and was taken to the local pound. he escaped once and just ran around to the front and hung out on the porch. i fucked up that dog's life good....

june 27th 2k3: FINALLY got to NY by bus. met some cool people on the bus. one guy called Rivers was chill. in omaha we got some lunch together. i shared my fondness of satanism with him. i gave him a sweatshirt and pair of jeans 'cos his bag got lost by Greyhound. met this cool girl too that had the new radiohead album (hail to the thief). i can't remember her name though. she was for portland and was going to clevland for some activist thing. in NY, it was awesome. had A LOT of good times. nothing can beat getting so drunk that i don't remember running around outside with a ninja sword. got to see my friends graduate which made me proud. got a nasty sunburn too 'cos it was all sunny out and there was white all around. i still have the tanline on my right arm.

oct 1st - present time 2k3: 19th bday. my parents got me a plane ticket for europe and i met up with them in detroit. it was really nice to see them again. i put them through a lot of unneccisary stress due to teen agnst/rebellion shit. it was nice to know that i'm past that now. they spent a week with me here and we didn't argue once, which is a first in a loooooooooong time. what i've done in holland so far: nothing too much really. anything i've done i've put in this blog so just read and find out. i've done a lot of soul searching (found out i don't have much of a soul left but whatever). i've decided to aim my self destructive ways into a new direction which will be seen shortly in the near future.

that's just 1 year of my life. i have 18 more stories that go along with it. crazy huh?

thank you for your time.
god and trouble are all i've known.

so last night i had this cool dream. kickin' with derek through some of it, till his car got fucked with by some rowdy nokkas then i split. i'm not gettin' in the middle of some crypts and bloods, word. then i went to this huge party/concert/disco thing, fell in love with this white nigerian that had an awesome accent. i met her standing outside waiting to get in. she said she had a friend inside that she was going to meet up with. when we got in she took off running to find her friend. this chick was like 6'6" at least, hott body. i was so in love with her in my dream. then shit got kinda matrixy. i was at this, fuck i dunno, a hospital clinic for pregnant ladies? it reminded of the house in the matrix where neo take the pill (can't remember if it's the blue or red) and babies were being born and shit. i heard screaming and crying and laughing all at once. then i woke up.

i looked out the window and saw snow and was saying "what the fuck" for a few minutes out loud. i've never seen snow in holland before, and especially didn't think it would snow this early in the season. it's cool though, snow is cool. ice is what i hate, black ice to be specific. i've had my share of accidents involving black ice. fuck ice.


it's not the end, just the beginning of the end.

i can't get that (hed) p.e. song out of my head. it's so good.

my cousin Ingrid is going to close her store in Ede. it's not doing well financially. it's a pity too, she liked that store.

i've gotta shit then i'm going to go outside and listen to that (hed) p.e. song like 20 times. i need to get summore cigs as well.....

-Feel Good-

Ain't no more sunshine, just rain and cold sufferage
Generation born to die with their eyes wide open
The clock strikes
The wrong rights
The mob rules
The second armaggedon; igniting the lit fuse
No turning back...every soldier is on point
Ready to die, the confrontation coming, ready or not
It's on again, it's time to say your prayers again
It's not the end, just the beginning of the end

Is it hard? Yea, I can hold it down like that
Is it real? Yea, you know I break it down like that
Is it rough? Yea, don't even try to front like that
I'm on fire, baby, a big dog will hunt like that

Another day, another buster wanna battle me
Another mamma crying, now her baby is a casualty
I'm ready nigga, slice like a machete nigga, got fetty nigga,
never spend it on betty nigga
I hit and run, never stressing to look back
When I look back, I think about the love I never had
Then I wake up, I get fucked up and I get even
Approach you from the front
But in your back a knife I'm leaving

Is it hard? Yea, I can hold it down like that
Is it real? Yea, you know I break it down like that
Is it rough? Baby, don't even try to front like that
I'm on fire, dawg, a nigga will hunt like that

The sky is falling, I don't care
I just want to feel good
Her train's leaving, she don't care
She just wants to feel good
The world is dying, we don't care
We just want to feel good
It's all over, we don't care
We just want to feel good

"Hey, lemme get some of that Jack Daniels
Lemme check out some of that porno, dawg.
And lemme hit that joint.
No, nonono, don't take 'em off, don't take 'em off,
leave 'em on, leave 'em on.
I like that shit.
Now roll and light that shit
And get on with this shit, come on!"

Nah - we can't compromise like that
Nah - we can't conform like that
I'm saying fuck you and fuck the norm like that
We gonna be transformed like that
Make a difference, have another fuckin' impact
It won't stop rainin', it's floodin
Revelation was all true
You drew blood first, Jesus is coming to take you
Coming to break you, make you just like new
Satan laughing, spreads his wings and gets a new tattoo
A new platinum chain, a new pinky ring, the Rolex, the Benz,
the huggy bear pimp thing
Nigga it's midnight, never forget where you come from
Keep your mouth shut
Back the fuck up
Watch what you doing

What? Come on!


The sky is falling, I don't care
I just want to feel good
Her train's leaving, she don't care
She just wants to feel good
The world is dying, we don't care
We just want to feel good
It's all over, we don't care
We just want to feel good

We just want to feel good (4x)


the cup is not half empty as pessimests say.

so uhm.... i'm not going to talk about the last post, i'll leave it at that.

i actually did some art today. in my new sketchbook that my bio-grandparents got me. not very good lighting in Eelcos room though. i hid up there because i wanted to be alone. my cousin marion came in and i showed her my art stuff. i think she was curious about my writing but i didn't show her any of it. i bet when she saw my art she was saying to herself "oh my god this guy really is fucked up". but whatever. i think art is somewhat supposed to challange your thinking, how you percieve things. i can explain every piece i've made, almost. i'd rather not and just let the viewer think up an explaination for themselves. the drawing i did today was inspired by the (hed) p.e. song Feel Good (and the header of my previous post....)

**random AIM**

asecondscreename: who are you
c1134k: chris to the kleine and i came to smoke a dime
asecondscreename: yeeeeea

i haven't written anything at all, even though i've gotten quite a few good ideas and one liners whilst sitting outside. maybe i'll remember them later. derek brought to my attention Blue Omegas are in town. MDMA/Mescaline. i really want to take one and write and paint and think and become. i've never done ecstacy. mescaline, yes, in acapulco. i make the mistakes so you don't have to.

i don't feel like writing now really. i feel like just getting ideas. i don't even know why i drew. i guess to tap the keg so to speak. maybe i'll write stuff when i goto ingrids tomorrow. i'll be there till monday night when i goto frankfurt. i'm not losing my touch in meshing colors together so far, hopefully i haven't lost my touch in meshing words together. it's all about the meshing fo sho.

in 4 days i'll be leaving here and heading back to NY. i've gotta get the juices of creativity flowin'. i've got to get some ambition going on. i've got to change the world, i absolutely must. i'm going to die trying. 11-11-11 :-)
the sky is falling and i don't care, i just want to feel good.

Elliot Smith is dead.

i first heard elliot watching Good Will Hunting. awesome movie. a lot of his songs were used in it. his voice was so soft and fragile, it could bring you to tears. it brought me to tears hearing the ending song Miss Misery. i went out and got Either/Or. after that i got XO. then i downloaded a shitload of other songs. my favorite of his works is Cupid's Trick. (i'll add the lyrics at the bottom.) when i first saw him, it stunned me. the rough looking man in front of me, pock marked face, scruffy clothes, the voice of an angel. i don't even know what to say about the guy. kurt cobain died. johnny cash died. now elliot. i swear to god if trent reznor or thom yorke dies next, oh my fucking god, i'm going to fucking lose it.

his death just goes to show that the most beautiful art comes out of self despair and self destruction. it's sad and beautiful all at once. oh my god. i'm going to smoke mass amounts of cigs now, maybe the smoke will cover up the tears.


-Cupid's Trick-

She's shaking down
I'm absent and numb from shock
Reachin' around for the
Hands of the clock

Should've lied

Lit me up, it's my lie
Should've lit me up, it's my lie
Should've lit me up, it's my lie
Should've lit me up, it's my lie
Should've lit me up

Cupid's trick comes
Down to shake and deal
A stupid kick that
Makes me real

Should've lied

Lit me up, it's my lie
Should've lit me up, it's my lie
Should've lit me up, it's my lie
Should've lit me up, it's my lie
Should've lit me up

She's shaking down
It's never over and done
So kick me, cane me
And I'll know


Lit me up, it's my lie
Should've lit me up, it's my lie
Should've lit me up, it's my lie
Should've lit me up, it's my lie
Should've lit me up


the future's uncertain, the end is always near.

nichole started last night to try and figure out the whole 11-11-11 thing. she was partly right on what she told me. i had to go to bed 'cos i had some curfew/bedtime thing going on. i dunno what's up with that but whatever. i'm interested to see what she wrote about it. ooohhh!!!! i'm talking to her now, this blog can definetly wait.....

eh, brb she says, damn.

so uhm.... today i went to this Van Gogh exhibit w/ my cousin. it was pretty cool. that man used mass amounts of paint and just globbed it on canvas. absinthe use was definetly present in some pieces. they didn't have the one i like though, The Starry Night. that painting inspires me tremendously. the first time i saw it was in my uncle's bathroom in canada. i just stood there and stared at it. such memories..... i found out that the original is in NY of all places. an omen you say? that's what i like to believe.

i finished No One Here Gets Out Alive, then had to go outside for a little quiet time. i'm not even going to go into the feelings, fuck that. i'll express my feelings through art and writing.

in the absence of nichole i'm going to take this enneagram personality test. 126 questions. whoo!

**this just in** nichole didn't write up anything, drats! and you're not going to be alone, not as long as you can see the stars-where i reside...

BIGmikeG311: ill just break out my blunt in the middle of a discussion

ah yes, good ol' AIM.

if anyone knows how the whole leasing a car process works feel free to email or im me. email c1134k@hotmail.com AIM: c1134k

this was a cool post, then blog fucked up, and i lost this enneagram test. fuck that shit. weak.
The Rolling Stones- Sympathy For The Devil

Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man's soul and faith

I was 'round when Jesus Christ
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Pilate
Washed his hands and sealed his fate

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game

I stuck around St. Petersburg
When I saw it was a time for a change
Killed the tsar and his ministers
Anastasia screamed in vain

I rode a tank
Held a general's rank
When the blitzkrieg raged
And the bodies stank

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah
Ah, what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah

I watched with glee
While your kings and queens
Fought for ten decades
For the gods they made

I shouted out,
"Who killed the Kennedys?"
When after all
It was you and me

Let me please introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
And I laid traps for troubadours
Who get killed before they reach Bombay

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah, get down, baby

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
But what's confusing you
Is just the nature of my game

Just as every cop is a criminal
And all the sinners saints
As heads is tails
Just call me Lucifer
'Cause I'm in need of some restraint

So if you meet me
Have some courtesy
Have some sympathy, and some taste
Use all your well-learned politesse
Or I'll lay your soul to waste, um yeah

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, um yeah
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, um mean it, get down

Woo, who
Oh yeah, get on down
Oh yeah
Oh yeah!

Tell me baby, what's my name
Tell me honey, can ya guess my name
Tell me baby, what's my name
I tell you one time, you're to blame

Oh, who
woo, woo
Woo, who
Woo, woo
Woo, who, who
Woo, who, who
Oh, yeah

What's my name
Tell me, baby, what's my name
Tell me, sweetie, what's my name

not so precious now, am i?


tilling my own grave to keep me level.

so earlier i was outside smoking (tobacco and pot thank you) and thought about this blog.

first: i write in this thing because it makes me feel good. i haven't been writing in my "private" journal (it's not totally private, i let ashleigh read some of it. what a fucking mistake. what a fucking waste of time and emotions. fuck you.) i was a bit distraught at first about how no one was really looking at this except for a few people. to those people, "thank you", it's nice to know a memory of me lives in your mind.

i've been reading the Jim Morrison biography (i reccomend to anyone that relates to him in the least bit to read it if you haven't done so yet) and it's really fucking inspriring me. it's so fucking weird. i never thought a book could do this to me.

the ways this book has inspired me. Or: how i came to understand what i want to do with my life. (stanley kubrick reference, nice)

well Jim lived a fast and crazy life. self-destructive. beautiful. i want to live that kind of life. i want to be as accomplished as him, in my own way. i want my life to become something. i'm good at a few things: writing, music and art. i'm not anything special in any of those areas, they just come to me naturally. i've got to make something of it. but i can't focus all my energies on just that. i have to show that i can hold down a job, do good at school again, be something. for the past couple of years i've been a total loser.

forging checks, stealing from friends, lying (to others, and more importantly; myself), not being myself. after all the things i've done i've ended up hating myself for what i've become. but i can change. yes those things happened, but they're not happening now. i don't have to go back to that. "there are 2 paths you can choose from, but in the end, there's still time to change to one you're on". no matter how difficult i can make my life, i can make it easy.

i can
i am
it's reincarnation of my imagination.

so yeah the past couple of weeks here in holland have been a lot of fun, but not in the typical sense of fun. i haven't done too many exiciting things. i went to a huge disco, that was about it. tomorrow i might be going to the van gogh museum, ROCK!!! that man was badass enough to cut off his own ear. that's some balls right there. and i've been readin No One Here Gets Out Alive (the Jim Morrison biography). i've read it before but that was during the 3 years of being super stoned constantly. this time i can actually remember things. the book inspires me. i like being inspired, and impressed.

but the fun i've had has been more psychological. i've had fun realizing my own changes internally. i'm realizing now that i can't keep on living my life with no cares. i liked it before-not worrying about anything, no responsibilities. but now i want to have those things. i want to be healthy both mentally and physically. that was what i was going to do here in europe but that's not really possible so i'll have to do it in america. now that arnold is govenor my chances of being president are that much more easier. ahhaha, ya'll done fucked up.

i was toying around with the idea of going to mexico and living a relaxed life. but no. i've got 9 years and 17 days left in my life. why spend it doing nothing? why not try to actually make something of it? time flies when you're having fun right? so i figure if i spend the rest of my life having fun my way, the sooner the day will come that i can finally leave this shithole of a planet. being a loser the rest of my life doesn't sound very appealing to me, so if i don't want to be a loser the way i have been the past years i've got to prove myself. i have to prove myself to me. i have to prove that i can do this, that i'm not scared. i dunno, for some reason i'm beccoming mature, and starting to grow out of my immaturity. this is fucked up, but cool.

i need a change. i'm sick of being alone, and bored, and unmotivated. i've got too much to lose to just throw my life away. 11-11-11, yes, i will die, but it'll be allright. i'll be born again.


fear is your only god.

Yes, the nice person does often finish last.
Yes, if you don’t scam your fellow man, he will scam you first.
Yes, some people will do anything for a buck.
Yes, the nice guy does often get dumped for the creep.

god bless america. that came from this article about Jessica Simpson and how dumb she is. her dad tries to play it off as her trying to be like Lucy Ball. fuck that. the bitch is dumber than shit and if she has a kid it should be drowned immediately as to prevent it from the pain and anguish of being Jessica Simpson's child. fucking-a. the last line of the article is really cool though so check it out.

apparently i have a bedtime in this house. it's 11:11 (cokehead time, do your lines) and my cousin is telling me to goto sleep. what in christs sake is she thinking?! i've never EVER had a bedtime, or curfew, or anything like that. jesus.

ah well fuck it, i'm going to go outside, smoke some pot, goto bed. tomorrow is her birthday and i might as well make her happy. i dunno.


i sneak up and hit you like a fucking tornado.

my uncle sent this to me:


Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"....and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat
name requested?
A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until
you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month...which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

cool shit huh? and admit it, you definetly tried licking your elbow. i tried and now have a wicked cramp on the side of my face. ah well.
stand up and admit tomorrow's never comming.

10 more days, gnarly.

last night i went to this big disco, the biggest and best one in holland. hot girls like whoa. like whoa. oh my lord it was great.

i'm still torn on what to do, stay in NY or goto Mexico. i know i should really just calm my life down and get some schooling in, but fuck, it's not like i'm going to like till i'm 80. ah well, it'd probably be best. Jim did it, i should probably do it. i really need to get some LSD going on too. i've come to the conclusion that i need to take it by myself, and write and draw. i dunno about ecstacy still. i'm a bit weary on a tiny pill that will make me feel the best i ever have. happiness was never meant for me. i would only do it candyflipping, ços it would more of a psychological impact.

i don't do drugs, i am drugs.


2 reasons, no 3 reasons, why i'm typing in here, again.

reason 1: i'm stoned and thought of this while smoking
reason 2: when i changed all my sites i updated them one last time but don't think anyone saw
reason 3: i put a comment in a person called "wood" journal, and maybe she might look here, and my webiste is kinda dull so if i put in my old one it might count as one good one.

old site

old journal

yeah i'm a nerd, go fuck a duck.
the only song going through my head:

"Dope Show"-Marilyn Manson

The drugs they say make us feel so hollow
We love in vain narcissistic and so shallow
The cops and queers to swim you have to swallow
Hate today there's no love for tomorrow

We're all stars now in the dope show

There's a lot of pretty, pretty ones
That want to get you high
But all the pretty, pretty ones
Will leave you low and blow your mind

They love you when you're on all the covers
When you're not then they love another

The drugs they say are made in California
We love your face
We'd really like to sell you
The pigs and fags make good-looking models
I hate today
Who will I wake up with tomorrow?

There's a lot of pretty, pretty ones
That want to get you high
But all the pretty, pretty ones
Will leave you low and blow your mind

We're all stars now in the dope show
say i killed all my friend and deserve to be dead.

my iq is 117, fuck you. www.emode.com

i'm also 166,813 hours old. sweet.

tori thinks it'd be a good idea to goto mexico. now i know that someone at least reads my posts here. thank you tori.

my reasoning behind going to mexico is that i want to write, make music, and make weird ass avant garde art films. i want to do what i want to do. fuck living a normal life. it's not like i'm going to live a full life (to normal standards) anyways. of course i'm going to live my life to the fullest. i'm just not going to procrastinate all the experiences. i'm going to experience it all as fast as i can. 11-11-11. remember that day.

uhm..... "masturbation is good but it is not the best."-MSI
my thoughts are misguided and a little naieve.

i'm with the other family now, in Rehnen. it's very nice here. no more screaming kids running around all over the place.

NY or mexico?

i'm walking out in a force ten gale
birds thrown around, bullets for hail
the roof is pulling off by its fingernails
your voice is rapping on my window sill

yesterday's headlines blown by the wind
yesterday's people end up scatterbrain
then any fool can easy pick a hole
i only wish i could fall in
a moving target in a firing range

somewhere i'm not
somewhere i'm not
lightning fuse


you've got a vicious streak for someone so young.

yesterday i was just bitchy, but i meant it. i was just blunt about what i felt. blunt, lol, i could've used one of those last night.

i'm going to Marions house today. she has 3 kids. Eelco (male, who is a couple years younger), Michelle (female, a year older), and some other boy that i forgot the name of who's like 10 or something. some time next week Eelco is taking me to this huge party thing in Rotterdam. all techno music and that good stuff. eat your heart out derek :-P

yea, mexico is definetly where it's at.


i'm fucking glad we're different.

i like how i send emails to everyone i have email addys of (people that i actually want to talk to), and maybe only 4 people email me back. fuck all of you that didn't. seriously. i'm not talking to you unless you talk to me. i'm sick and fucking tired of feeling obligated to you all. i was always fucking there for you and you fucking took it for granted. fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you.

fuck this i'm moving to mexico and the fuck away from all of you.

you want me, well fucking well come and find me.

11-11-11, the end of the world.

blow your brain out, might as well, i'm blowing mine out. you only live once, you might as well die now.

see you in hell for the sequel.
when i'm god everyone dies.

Libra - the seventh sign of the zodiac. Libra stands for harmony, fairness, equality, and balance. You are considered to be the most civilized and polite member of the zodiac, because you always display an even-tempered and composed attitude.

Your ruler Venus - the planet of love, sex, and beauty - influences you to strive to create harmony, to express and show affection, and to accommodate and please others. Its romantic, sensual, and seductive energy makes you a suave and relationship-oriented person.

Libra is the second of the air signs, giving you the ability to stand back and look impartially at all matters, always seeing and considering both sides before arriving at a decision. You are sociable, tactful, and have great empathy for others, which makes you a much sought-after mate, especially since you are so refreshingly energetic, loving, and honest.

Your sign rules the seventh house of the horoscope, the sector associated with other people who act as your mirror. Therefore, it describes the nature of your relationships, both business and personal, as well as your experiences with marriage and partnerships.

Your sign's mode is cardinal, meaning that you actively try to improve and work on your relationships by reaching out, making compromises, and inspiring trust in them.

Your strengths, dear Libra, lie in your diplomatic approach to dealing with others. Your strong sense of fairness makes you the perfect mediator and peacemaker, because you always manage to stay objective and consider all points of view before making a decision.

But even you have weaknesses, dear charming Libra! For example, you can be frivolous and decadent, and place value on the superficial. Sometimes, especially when you are indecisive, you can be vague, shallow, and insincere. In certain situations, you are tempted to define "fairness" to your own advantage.


the devil has my ear today.

A Perfect Circle's new album The Thirteenth Step is a must have. if you know anything about the Steps then you'll get what this album is all about.

i've been up for 30+ hours now. i'm about to goto bed. i've had just a few cups of coffee this whole time. i miss the no-doz fako yayo.

hot song from the new album:

The Outsider-

Help me if you can
It's just that this is going away
I want it so quickly please

Help me understand what
I've given in to all the years
And this darkness I have known

Lying to myself again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it, put it on the faultline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious?
Come on to this
Why do you wanna throw it away like this?
Such a bitch
Why do I wanna watch you?

Disconnect and self destruct one woman at a time
What's your rush now?
Everyone will have his day to die

Drawn away
Picture perfect
No more legiments
Drawn away
Craving fame and all this decadance

Lying through your teeth again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it, put it on the faultline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious?
Come to this
Why do you wanna throw it away like this?
Such a bitch
Why do I wanna watch you?

Disconnect and self destruct one woman at a time
What's your rush now?
Everyone will have his day to die

They were right about you
They were right about you

Lying to my face again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it, put it on the faultline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious?
Come on to this
Why do you wanna throw it away like this?
Such a bitch
Come to this
Come to this

Disconnect and self destruct one woman at a time
What's your hurry?
Everyone will have his day to die
If you choose to pull the trigger
Should your karma prove sincere?
Do it somewhere far away from here

this whole CD is just awesome. so fucking awesome. so so so fu fu fucking awesome. if substance use resides anywhere in your life, i highly (pun intended) reccomend getting this album. it's one of the rare drug-related album that actually offers more than just a glimmer of hope. it opens the door to hope. the last line of the album "i choose to live", 4 very important words. the last 4 lines from "Hurt" by NIN are also very good: "if i could start again, a million miles away, i would keep myself, i would find a way", but this one sentence by APC might have that one beat.

when my brain is actually functioning maybe i'll do a post about how i've changed. i don't know. why bother letting a bunch of people know who i am? it's not like anyone actually cares. maybe a few do, i don't know. they certainly haven't expressed it at all. i just wish there was someone that genuinely cared enough to get to know me. but that person is as rare as a unicorn. i'm just glad i have a select few friends that i can actually trust. one them can't even speak english, only dog.

stacker is my best friend and i can't wait to wrestle that dog again. the times i cried over that dog while i was in jail. that dog means the world to me. that dogs me more to me than i do. i'd die for that dog. the whole trip when i got that dog was so life changing. he is the culmination of the trip, packed into a big white hairy animal. people think i'm weird 'cos i like dogs so much. try not having anyone around to talk to except dogs your whole life and maybe you'll get it. maybe. most likely not. you'll never understand me. and i'm fucking glad.

i should really write some poetry-type shit. too bad i'm not man enough to share them with people. just a boy, just a boy, just a little fucking boy, i can never be a man. tommorow i write. tomorrow i elvove just a little bit more. tomorrow is one more day closer to the beginning of the end. rEvolution.

try walking in my shoes, you'd stumble in my footsteps.


what am i to do with all this silence?

start a fight, overdose, date a model i suppose, everything will be allright.

goddamn this noise inside my head.
May pretty horses come to you as you sleep.

when i die i want my body burned and scattered into the sea.
when i die i want my memories to live on.
when i die i want you right next to me, looking in my eyes.
when i die i want the world to know just how much i hate it.
when i die i want my mom and dad to be happy.
when i die i want my friends not to miss me, i want them to forget about me.

10-01-84 to 11-11-11
putting demons in their place.
spitting in God's face.

i wish i could die.


na na nah, na na na, naahhh!

events of the past week or so:

my uncle Guus let my parents and i stay at his house on the lake. it's really nice. i had a lot of good times sitting on the dock by myself smoking cigs (.......... yeah, cigs......) and watching a badass lighting storm last night.

family reunion/birthday party for my uncle: got drunk while eating good food.

my cousin Herbert took me for a drive to Amsterdam in his Porsche. oh my fucking god was that awesome. that car has some balls, big balls.

went to amsterdam the next day with my dad. we walked around, talked, joked around, bonded. good times.

that's about all i've done really, nothing too much.

now i'm with my cousin Ingrid and her family in Ede. she owns a clothing store and her husband has a computer store. she has 3 kids, all boys, all under 12. imagine how dull it gets here.....

next week i'm going to some other relatives, but i'll talk about that when i get there.

right now is all that matters. right now is all i have. right now i have to piss.

and yes, i'm still confusing love with need.

tot ziens!


no one likes a smart arse but we all like stars

welp, i'm in holland, sitting the the lobby of my parents bank at the moment, rock.

the flight over here was pretty good. nothing exiting really happened. i found out that blackheads can be squeezed out quite easily at 40,000ft. nice huh?

i don't know if i'm going to be moving here, it's really hard to get a work visa.

the revolution will not be televised..


new email: c1134k@hotmail.com
new website: http://c1134k.tripod.com/
new journal: http://c1134k.blogspot.com/
new AIM screenname: c1134k

my name is chris.
i am 19.
i am moving to europe.
i am starting a revolution.
are you in?