9.12.2004

what the hell, we've got nothing more to lose

found a roommate
pretty interesting kid
found a place
pretty good deal
moving out the 20th?

doppelgangrr is taking shape
an amerikan prayer has a strict concept
peace, love and all that shit is all that shit

a new haircut
somewhat douche-looking
but different at least

for some this will be the end of me
for others it will be a whole new side
and for those unaware
that's what you are


"amerika, a tribute"

a tribute to the brave
to the free
a tribute to the government
to the leaders
a tribute to the parents
to the teachers

this is a tribute for all the things you've done for us

for the rebels of the past
you fought the hardest for them
you gave your lives for them
you did nothing for us

for the rights and constitution
it gave them their freedom
it gave them their dreams
it did nothing for us

for the parental figurines
you tried your best
you gave it your all
you did nothing for us

we don't care about you
we DO NOT care
we hate you because we can
we hate the world because it hates us
we love the end
we hate ourselves
we don't need you
we never needed anything

this is not america
this is not the land of the free
this is not the home of the brave
this is not justice for all
we don't care enough about you to change the world

we're a lost generationand we're never comming back

our home is where the hurt is
our future is dim
our future is grim

our future lies in a grain of sand
being washed away
off of an oil stained beach

you burned up the sun
we inherited the ashes


go here

9.05.2004

i hve arrived and this time you should believe the hype

let's try "normal", shall we?

this would be my last weekend in bend. and it's kida sucked, but whatever, it's allright. yes i have a roommate. haven't found a place yet, but that'll be taken care of this week. haven't found a job either....

i kinda feel like how i felt when i left NY. like this was looooong overdue.

9.04.2004

each thing i show you is a piece of my death

lest we forget
a boy
who fought being a man

and i never wanted
to look in the mirror
and see what i now see

i see death with hair
a boy who won't give in
a peer pressure waiting to happen
someone who used to have something to say

now i don't have anything to say
'cos i don't have anything nice to say.

i hate fucking friends
who don't even know who you are
and i hate being myself
for not knowing who you are.

i give up.
i'm going to hide
and never come out.

this where i divide my life.

leave it or buy it.

8.25.2004

'cos i'm a million miles away, when you get this letter

dear humans
i no longer want anything to do with you
with your human nature
with your "meaningful" lives
with your society
and rules

i now resolve to be post-human
beyond conventional reason

my life will not be one of insignifigance
of a mere mortal
of a petty human

i choose to live
my choice is to explore everything
at any cost

if it looks like i'm being lazy
or selfish
or pathetic
just remember these things:

when you were busy with elemtary school
learning your a's, b's and z's
i was busy learning about the world
seeing the parthanon in greece
or being in yugoslavia during the civil war

i was busy formulating the world in my mind
while you were busy looking out for cooties
and playing kickball
simple as that

so when you think you can relate
let me know
i'm dying for someone to understand

7 years
92 days
and counting

you don't know how much i'm giving up for this life
you just don't know

8.21.2004

i made it 10 miles high

indeed i did

an 8ball can answer your questions

an 8ball

not one that you shake
one that you crush

an 8ball

blow your nose and
watch the blood flow
put a gun to your head and
paint the canvas with your brains
get back on your knees and
beg for forgiveness

what did you get out of it all?

an 8ball

sunshine in a bag

3 days of happiness and hell
and a free nose job

fucking addict

8.18.2004

please don't wake me till the morning after

ayo for yayo, that's about all i have to say.

goodnight

at 9 AfuckingM

8.17.2004

there's a feeling i get when i look to the west

"a monument built to the west
because the west is the best."

only i know what this means
but i might let you know.......

i don't need you and i don't need a break

fucking people

8.16.2004

say i killed all my friends and i deserve to be dead

how many of you do i really need?
i don't know.
how many of you actually talk to me?
i don't know.

the less shit i have to deal with the better.
the less of you i have to let me down the better.
the more energy i have to spend on my true friends the better.

it might almost be time to put the past totally behind me.
it might actually be time for me to act like i'm supposed to.
it might even be time for me to start treating you like you treat me.

i don't know where we grew so far apart.
or what even happened.
i guess i got tired of being what you wanted me to be
and i knew you wouldn't accept what i'm going to be.

maybe i'm just running out of knives to leave in peoples backs.
i think that's it.
or perhaps i don't want to fake it anymore.
i tried my hardest to be accepted by you
but i realize now
that i don't want anything to do with you.

i don't need your fucking criticism
and i don't want to criticize you.

*delete*

8.15.2004

the impossible is possible tonite

past leaders were taught in the ways of fine arts.
present leaders are C+ frat boys
with stupid accents.

but nevermind that.

i'm talking about
lust
excess
no limits
indulgence
chemically induced
emotionally reduced
in a snafu
you're not like me
i'm not like you.

but nevermind that.

charley is no longer a hurricane.
i wish it was a typhoon.
mother nature WILL have her revenge
humans will build the bomb that does it.
in 10,000 acres about 80 homes were destroyed
how many animals made those 10,000 acres their home?

but nevermind that.

you humans are so fucking pathetic.
how much are you really accomplishing?
like i'm one to talk.
but i don't want a standard life.
i just want to make some sense out of it all and move on.

but nevermind that

did you know?
that
no matter what you do
no matter how good you are
no matter how hard you pray
no matter how hard you try
you're going to die
but you're actually not dying
you're living still
just dead
that's all.

but nevermind that.
this is what you should mind.

35 years ago
a spirit of a revolution
was well and alive in the hearts of millions.
now where is it?
answer me hippie!

i guess that's what happens when....
?

every night i look at the stars
wondering, wandering
imagining
a more perfect world.
and i keep that world in my head
because i'm safe there.

i won't let you in
'cos you won't let me out.

but nevermind that.

8.13.2004

'cos i'm an E-F-F-E-C-T, a smooth operator opertating correctly

and this is why i do this.
because i love the pain so much.
because i like the numbness.
because i love how much nothing i feel right now.

An Amerikan Prayer has begun.
in about 10 minutes i'm going to write a description in my journal.
and that'll be the end of that.

i just now realized how fucking much i hate you.
it just ridiculous some times.
everytime i was there for you.
and all the times you weren't there for me.
like now.
why do i do this to myself.
let myself feel so strongly over something so insignificant.
i guess i do it for the heartbreak when i'm not there for you.
'cos i like hurting you.
ho.

who wants to move to portland with me?
that's how we roll.

8.09.2004

begining of september
moving to pdx
september 26th
starting at wci

i'm 2 months behind on my car payments
and that's funny
'cos i already have a credit card
ha ha

8.06.2004

get fucked up, stay fucked up

so
remind me once again
what the point of doing this to yourself
is.

i do it because
it makes me feel alive.
i do it because
it makes me feel nothing.
i do it because
it makes me want more.
i do it because
it makes me hit the floor.

i'm only writing good because i drank wine.
whine.
in holland i didn't write shit in my private journal
and that's because i remember it all
like a dream.
i was there
but i really wasn't.

last night in a dream i did mxm.
a magical dream drug.
tonight i hope to do it again
because last night was just a dream.

so
i hate this more than anything
being alone
when i want company.
some people though.

either you're
too young
too slutty
too taken
or too too.

choo choo motherfuckers.
i think i can, i think i can
i can't.
choo choo.

so remember this;
i do this only for you.
because it amuses you.
it gives you something to do.
it gives you something to think about.

so think about this
moths fly towards light
because they think it's the moon.
and what happens when they reach the moon?
they get killed.
let me know the next time you see a moth in the wild.
ain't gunna happen.
know why?
because they know the truth.
the moon is just a dream.
and you're never going to reach it.
know why?
because when you think you do
you're just going to die.

how ironic is that?
you're life is defined
by that smear in your palm.
that stain on your dress.
a life that's become a mess.

apparently basil is healthy.

smoke is healthier.

tyler durden says "use soap".

sir yes sir.

so
is
this
it?

yep.

8.05.2004

I thought it through and my worst brings out the best in you

in the struggle to make males and fems equal
a young mind has been corrupted
dirty j
just because a girl hits you doesn't mean you hit back with force
dumbass.

and cammie said it best
why didn't anyone tell that to dj right then?
cammie said it best
".... ....... .. .... .... ...... ...."
edited for mental note

next time i'll do better
next time i'll be a man

cammie said it best

btw: it's 4:20am

7.29.2004

i'm stuck in the TARDIS, trapped in hyperspace

sheer and utter
boredom.
snoredom.

tonight i saw i falling star
and i made a wish.
i wished that it's next life
would be much better than being
a piece of icerock floating around space.

but then i envied it.
i want my life to be like it.
short
fast
and leaving the people wanting more more more.

'cos when i die
i'll burn brighter than the sun
and then i've only begun.

7.28.2004

from poisoned cloud to poisoned wharf, what a nasty surprise

and i have an enemy in this town
a first to say the least
at least that i know of.

all others;
please form a line to the left
an operator will be with you shortly.

it's been quite some time that i've been in a fight.
i know for a fact i wouldn't do well in one.
but i get dirty though.
i'll kick a motherfucker in his nuttz if it comes down to it.

fuck fighting.
does it prove anything?
mmmm
i suppose it proves your lack of brain capacity to talk something out.
threats will accomplish nothing.
kick my ass
i'll take it with a smile
and still talk shit.

it was way over a year ago.
like you never screwed someone over before.
what goes around comes around.
it's called karma
and i'll take a bloody nose for it.

7.24.2004

powerkiss

And the watermelon smiles on her sunshine dress
With the sticky feet patter and a powerkiss
On a window
In the morning
It was cool breeze & Christmas
Like a shock trip stall
In the super hero ball
With the wishy wish eyes and the flowers on the wall
It’s a grand thing
A memory
The magic in her eyes when she’s killing me

And you said it all with your smile
You coaxed me on with your whiles

And you wakeup in the corner with a grinny grin grin
And a super love friend
My eyeliner teaser
And how do I do I do
I need you
They all know it’s true

You quote another wink while I’m tripping in the sink
With a quick give
A drink
As I’m dancing on the brink
Of a phone call
The after all
The waiting on the Queen in the last stall

I’m fine anway
Your love and my play
Can anybody tell me why I
Should sing a watermelon love song

You touch it on the lips with a quick slip kiss
And the tragic comes unzipped
As you shoot it from the hip
Of a happy song
A symphony
A seven story drop of gravity

7.23.2004

i swore to god i would never turn into you, i'm getting closer, all the time

arrogant
self-conceited
desperate
and down.

he used to be such a happy child
with a sparkle in his eyes
and a look on his face like he was ready to take on the world
one lesson at a time.

now he just looks in the mirror
so he can tell himself it's allright
and remember to breathe.

the only lasting thing from this night
is how bad my nose burns
and how much i hate the things i love.

drop down and get your eagle on, girl.

7.22.2004

and then i'll get to you, and teach you how to get to purest hell

20 minutes.
a lot of seconds.
and some steroid fem on TBN.
praise jesus
your voice is deeper than the black guys.

my phsyique
comparable to that of a junkie
but blatanly anorexic.
anorexorcist
good song.

i used to be fat
280lbs.
and i got a lot of shit for that.
then i got skinny
145 lbs.
and i get a lot of shit for that.
but muscles scare me.

does seeing yuor skeleton scare you so much?
when have you become
so afraid
of what's inside?
even now i still want to be smaller.
i'd even cut flesh away
'cos there's a lot to lose.

self destruction is
self improvement
as long as it's done in style.

can you suck it with a smile?

another bad creation
a child lost in defecation
a girl lost in masturbation
a gown man lost in frustration
a little boy finds imagination.

oohp, laundry's done.

7.20.2004

a little boys smile, it'll all be well

"cross my heart
hope to die"
that was the greatest
the greatest and best lie

first there was acid
then cocaine
then crack and ecstacy.
i was born in the middle of the 80s.
the middle of heaven and hell.
the midwest could only have me for 2 days.
'cos only hell could have me forever.

when i die
i want white lillies
and purple roses
for my bed.
i want to smell like heaven
while i'm rotting in hell.

if i wore blue eyeshadow,
masscarred eyes,
and a blonde wig...
would i be a bombshell?
or a swell bomb?

my world begins at the exit sign
my world ends when yours begins.
my world is where your dreams are made.
my world is where the memories fade.

i love my silent room.
peering out over the world
like i'm some god.
well i am.
just spelt backwards.

woof motherfuckers.

so the future is supposed to be like this:
flying cars
1000 storey buildings
robot maids
2 kids
and a wife that spends your money
while you slave away
at a cog factory.

but this is how the future turned out to be:
it's cheaper to fly than to drive
100 storey buildings get hit by planes
an alien maid from tijuana
a slut daughter and a crackhead son
a bitch wife that runs you over
for having an affair
because she wasn't fucking.

at least i have pictures to remind me
that once i was actually happy with the world
content
peaceful
happy.
ah, the dreams of a child
destroyed by the world
which he had no choice to be born in.
the humanity
oh the humanity.

2+2=5.

every letter counts
lke yu evn kno wat im tryn 2 say.
i'll spell it out for you.
a l l i d o i c a n s t i l l f e e l y o u n u m b a l l t h r o u g h i c a n s t i l l f e e l y o u h e a r y o u r c a l l u n d e r n e a t h i t a l l k i l l m y b r a i n y e t y o u s t i l l r e m a i n c r u c i f i e d a f t e r a l l i ' v e d i e d a f t e r a l l i ' v e t r i e d y o u a r e s t i l l i n s i d e a l l i d o i c a n s t i l l f e e l y o u y o u r e m a i n i a m s t a i n e d.

i think i forgot a z.

7.18.2004

and this just feels like spinning plates

ok, sign off...
 
alt+ctrl+delete
ta ta toodles
 
a gap-toothed bookshelf
missing an idol
cocaine
and evil.
 
Esc.
if only it were as easy as pressing a button.
oh wait.
it is.
 
could i make things right
if i painted you a pretty picture
that spoke over a thousand words
and just one could end this fight?
 
oh you're not reading this?
 
damn.

7.16.2004

please forget the words that i just blurted out, it wasn't me, it was a strange and creeping doubt

the fuck was i thinking when i was writing that last one? i mean, i know what i was writing but i don't know what i was trying to get through. i think maybe that i don't like that feeling like i'm losing a friend.
 
this is just a shitty way to go about things.

between how it is and how it should be

nic, r u pist?
i didn't mean to do it intentionally.
but in a way i meant to do it.
i wish you would think over your friendships more.
and remember that some people feel
stronger than others.
 
it meant a lot to me
when you said the word "soulmate".
even the word "free"
couldn't make me feel as great.
 
so if you're reading this or not
even though you said you wouldn't.
i'm just being sincere
which seems like something you couldn't.
 
tell me how you feel.
tear my head off.
take it all out on me.
then brush your hair.
neither of us still doesn't care.
 
i don't know what feel.
i don't know what is real.
all i know is
i still can't close the deal.

7.15.2004

your body's spent, my body's rent

and again
too much to drink.
too drunk.
too spent.
and a cheese n bacon burrito
with beer.

did she read this?
did she even get what i meant.

sometimes i feel like a douche for wandering around
and not talking to my friend online.
if i had a cell fone i'd leave that number.
if i had a cell.

imprison me again motherfucker.

1 5 4 1 6 1 7 9 7 1 9
that's all you need to know.

popcorn stuck in my teeth.
like the last words she said.

i wish she was online.
so i could send her a poem of mine.
direct connect.
direct regret.

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate you
and i hope you do too.

money doesn't grow on trees.
love doesn't exist.
and you'll get your answer
as long as you persist.

do you like this side of me?
oh so poetic.
with such rhetoric
that it makes me sick.

sometimes i miss my childhood.
sometimes i forget to be good.
sometimes i think of when we were pure.
sometimes i remember that we weren't so sure.

my god is bigger than your god.
my dad can beat your up dad.
my dog is whiter than yours.
100 billion dollars later and there are still no cures.

i'll die of cancer
and there will still be no answer.

abba cadabba.

7.14.2004

it must be hard with your head on backwards

she told me that she thinks i blame everyone else for my problems.
she was partially right.
and it partially pist me off.

i blame a select few.

first there's god
for even concieving life.

then lori
for being a teenage dirtbag.

mom & dad
for loving me
bastards.

then there's those that were all talk and no do.
insincerity
is your highest form
of flattery.
vampires.

but maybe you're right.
maybe i don't blame myself enough
for how things are.
but just know this.
i blame myself
for letting me
come this far
with nothing to show
but scars.

like this is going to matter anyways.
i already tried making you happy.
maybe not hard enough.
but at least i tried.

7.12.2004

we could dance dance dance through the fire

yes, i thoroughly ENJOYED getting a reaction out of you.

it was just a bunch of words.
cluttered.
in a chatoic order.
that made me feel calm.

centered
focused
clear-eyed
with eye boogers.

contacts burn if you leave them in overnight
or so he said.

shut up stupid.
you can't even copy your own style.
find someone else to rip-off
'cos you obviously
don't know
a thing.

maybe i should just write normal again.
maybe.
maybe not.
not.

7.11.2004

oh 8 9 8 double oh 7

how am i supposed to feel the next day when i can't remember the day before?

how am i supposed to feel when no one even listens?

i don't give a FUCK if you think you listen to me or care about me, 'cos you don't, and you never did. you just said you did to make me feel better.

i like how you make me feel.

fake.
fagged.
a pig in a cage on antibiotics.

20 years from now none of this will matter.

20 years from now i'll be dead for over 10 years.

how old do you feel now you whiney fuck?

like i'm 80.

like i have just one last breath.

and i'd use it to exhale one last bong hit.

because
i
don't
need
reality.


what do you want from me?

the artist?
the musician?
the writer?
the high school drop-out?
the boy with the thorn in his side?
peter pan hitting puberty?
you?

it's the coming of age, where we come with age.

so poetic.
such a fag.
such a poser.
such a fucking waste of talent.
or a talented waste?

you be the judge.
you be the decider.
please please please be my provider.

be the one i wake up next to.
be the first thing i see.
be something that i could strive to be.
be anything but you.

stop standing in doorways.
stop talking with your mouth full of foot.
stop being such a girl.
stop being such a boy.

if i were you i'd shoot myself.

if you were me you'd be god.

if i was god i'd be dead.

if i'm dead you're dead
and i still need to get head.

from the homeless tramp with food stamps.
and a confetti wig.
because the parade made her feel like a queen.
and nothing is ever what it seems.

you're such a fag chris.
you can't even act like you know what you're doing.

no i'm not, i'm the mirror.

you're the enemy.

you're the problem.

you're the answer.

she's the question.
she's the reason you're like this.

talking to yourself.
mumbling in the dark.
leave it to beaver when you have the fever.

emo is the new goth.
goth is the old emo.
both suck regardless.
of age.
of race.
of a race to age.

when you hate music more than yourself,
you know you've gone awry.
you've gone to shits.
you've gone to your room.

with no light.
with no kite.
with no wind to tell me what to do.

my mommy told me to not look into the sun.
she doesn't want me to know who my father is.
she doesn't like him.
she likes nuclear bombs.
and butterflies.
with pink wings.
and bullet-bomb bodies.

the worms will come for you big boots.

when all of your wishes are granted
many of your dreams
will be
destroyed.

you remember the things that don't matter.
you don't remember anything.

nothing matters and everyone cares.

yeah.
right.
like i was born on sunday.
in the alley.
outside of an abortion clinic.
my mom cried when i was born.
i cried when i was born.
19 years later i realize what we were crying about.

me.

little old me.

frail.
alone.
tired.
stoned.
as petrified reptile.
in the amber resin of your ageless words.

i'm going to hell only because my friends are there.
i'm going to hell because satan never nailed his son to a cross.
he nailed me to a bed.
and let her rape me.
she smelled nice.
like dead flowers.
on a newborn baby.

wild.
sweet.
cool.

ghetto-booty bitches only get so much of a rise out of me.
watching you makes me hard.
watching you ignore me makes me cum.
watching you watch me scares me.
why are you looking at me?
who are you looking for?

tyler's not here, he's gone away.

vagina in a funny word.
penis is almost as funny.
put them together
and you have vanis.
venus.
you're only love.
asexual.
masturbatory.
regulatory.
and drunk on your own blood an semen.

200 proof grain bloodemen.
so pure that your nose is already hurting.
so good that you want it so bad that you already got it and still need it.

look in the mirror.
count to 10.
and that's 10 seconds gone from your life.
wasted.
looking at yourself.
like you're something special.

WHORE.

7.06.2004

i was a feind before i became a teen

sooooo, long time no post.

i had a job at a place called iSKY for a few weeks, then i quit 'cos it's boring.

i'm looking for a job as a prep cook around town. mcgraths fish house is the #1 potential.

i got approved for a credit card. :-D

in october i'm going to portland. i'm still somewhat indecisive about what to do for school.

nicole is being weird. wtf is up with that?

6.15.2004

the dust and the screaming, the yuppies networking

i'm in bend.

it's a nice day out today.

and there's no sales tax.

Permanent Daylight
the easiest way to sleep at night
is to carry on believing that i don't exist
the easiest way to sell your soul
is to carry on believing that we don't exist
it must be hard with your head on backwards

5.01.2004

if i die before i wake, i pray no one my soul to take

i hate those little curveballs life likes to throw at me.

4.27.2004

the colder your touch, the more it turns me on

http://c1134k.tripod.com/

wtf is the word of the year

3.09.2004

but i remember how you said you want it all and you want it now; 'cos you were so young, you were so dumb, you were so fucked up anyway

ferrari
hott wife
beautiful kids
big house
chevy avalanche
hummer (army style)
chevy ssr
porsche 911 turbo boxster
a lot of animals
assloads of money
love
happiness
peace of mind

at least i can dream about having those things.

3.06.2004

sometimes it's just that nothing seems worth saving

this is true